People usually have good intentions when they try to console someone who is grieving. But getting the words exactly right is hard, and sometimes the wrong language can even add hurt to an already aching heart.
That may be especially true during this tide of complicated grief and loss brought on by the coronavirus pandemic, with more than 1 million people’s deaths now tied to the virus.
Experts estimate that for every one person who died of COVID, nine loved ones were left behind to mourn. For much of the past two years, friends and family may have missed out on chances to pay their respects or connect, as many in-person funerals and memorials have been postponed or canceled.
Some people are trying to go back and hold those ceremonies now, said grief expert and author David Kessler, and sometimes they’re finding that others are not receptive. “The reaction that they’re getting from friends and family is, ‘Still? Really? Isn’t that over?’” he said. “A memorial is a bookmark to a life, and it deserves to happen, even if it’s delayed.”
“You should not have to grieve in isolation,” said Melissa Sellevaag, a social worker and expert who helps survivors navigate grief and trauma at the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing in Washington, D.C, which has collected and developed relevant resources.
READ MORE: Why Louisiana counseling centers are seeing a rise in kids with grief
Potential missteps in how we express our sympathy to others often emerge from our discomfort in witnessing another person in pain, she added. But it’s never too late to let someone know you care. For those seeking ideas on how to be truly supportive, Sellevaag offered tips about centering compassion when we respond to grief and loss.
READ MORE: Why 1 million dead from COVID is so hard for our brains to understand
People enduring loss don’t want to hear their loved one is in a better place. Instead, simply reassure them that you are with them.
You can say, “That makes sense” or “It’s okay to feel the emotions you’re dealing with.”
They have enough on their minds. Instead, make specific offers: “Can I drop off coffee?” or “May I sit with you?”
Instead of saying, “I also lost someone, so I know how you feel,” say, “I see this is painful for you.”
Finding out whether they had a pre-existing condition or otherwise were uniquely vulnerable to the disease does not help a person grieving their loved one.
It is hard to witness suffering, so step away when you need to. When you have had a chance to regain your strength, follow up with your family member or friend who is grieving.
For those suffering with depression and suicide ideation, or if someone you know is struggling, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or find them online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Left: Potential missteps in how we express our sympathy to others often emerge from our discomfort in witnessing another person in pain. Photo by Getty Images.
By Alison McCook, Knowable Magazine
By Liz Szabo, Kaiser Health News
Laura Santhanam is the Data Producer for the PBS NewsHour. Follow @LauraSanthanam
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